Most of us think that when trust is broken in a relationship, it is almost impossible to rebuild. However, if you wronged your partner and broke their trust (say, by cheating on them), it can be rebuilt if you follow a few important steps.
Step 1. You accept blame. That is radical and unusual. You dont obfuscate, give lame excuses, or blame your ex. You just say I screwed up, and this is what I did. I cheated on you. This is very powerful Emotional Logic. When we have been wronged one of the things we are wondering is if our ex knows what they did wrong. Do they know it or are they thinking it was somehow not that big a deal? Step 1 takes care of this for your ex, it makes it clear you own and are fessing up to it without all the bs.
This is a remarkable way to start restoring trust! Instead of the usual defending and excuses when there is a problem in the relationship, we own up to what we did. This is a powerful way to begin rebuilding trust, if you are sincere.
The second step builds on this. You then say something like "I know I hurt you, and here is the hurt I think I caused you."
Look, your ex is hurting! They may be furious with you, or they may feel sad and broken hearted. They are in emotional pain. So you fess up to that to, since you caused all the pain theyre feeling. Hey, not only did I cheat on you, but I caused you pain. I hurt you deeply, I made you feel worthless, like I didnt appreciate and respect you. I know I broke your heart
Wow! This is different than most any other approach your ex has heard! You arent bsing your ex, you are being responsible. This is what I did, it caused you pain, and this is the pain I think I caused you, and again, Im owning up to it.
Youve got to describe the pain some, using the best words you can. This is exactly what Emotional Logic sounds like. At this point, you want to make sure your ex feels like you understand him/her. You cant skip this step, even if you are a man and, like many men, arent comfortable talking about emotions. For the skill to work, your ex has to feel like you really understand the pain you caused by what you did.
When most of us say "I'm sorry!" it doesn't work because the apology doesn't include these two steps. Accept blame and acknowledge the pain you caused your mate. When you've done this, you are well on your way to rebuilding trust. There are more steps to it, but this is a great start. - 20785
Step 1. You accept blame. That is radical and unusual. You dont obfuscate, give lame excuses, or blame your ex. You just say I screwed up, and this is what I did. I cheated on you. This is very powerful Emotional Logic. When we have been wronged one of the things we are wondering is if our ex knows what they did wrong. Do they know it or are they thinking it was somehow not that big a deal? Step 1 takes care of this for your ex, it makes it clear you own and are fessing up to it without all the bs.
This is a remarkable way to start restoring trust! Instead of the usual defending and excuses when there is a problem in the relationship, we own up to what we did. This is a powerful way to begin rebuilding trust, if you are sincere.
The second step builds on this. You then say something like "I know I hurt you, and here is the hurt I think I caused you."
Look, your ex is hurting! They may be furious with you, or they may feel sad and broken hearted. They are in emotional pain. So you fess up to that to, since you caused all the pain theyre feeling. Hey, not only did I cheat on you, but I caused you pain. I hurt you deeply, I made you feel worthless, like I didnt appreciate and respect you. I know I broke your heart
Wow! This is different than most any other approach your ex has heard! You arent bsing your ex, you are being responsible. This is what I did, it caused you pain, and this is the pain I think I caused you, and again, Im owning up to it.
Youve got to describe the pain some, using the best words you can. This is exactly what Emotional Logic sounds like. At this point, you want to make sure your ex feels like you understand him/her. You cant skip this step, even if you are a man and, like many men, arent comfortable talking about emotions. For the skill to work, your ex has to feel like you really understand the pain you caused by what you did.
When most of us say "I'm sorry!" it doesn't work because the apology doesn't include these two steps. Accept blame and acknowledge the pain you caused your mate. When you've done this, you are well on your way to rebuilding trust. There are more steps to it, but this is a great start. - 20785
About the Author:
You can learn a 7 Step Plan to get your ex back in a book about How To Get Your Love Back Now. John Laney teaches relationship skills and you can get a free course here on 7 Vital Relationship Help Insights You Should Know.
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