I can remember very clearly the evening we found out we were going to have our first baby, it is something that will be with me forever. It was a moment of shared bliss which unexpectedly brought my partner and I closer together as a couple, and sent us on a new journey of discovery and joint purpose. This is the way the event unfolded for us.
We live on Australia's Gold Coast. Moving here was a decision we made together, moving away from our families early 2007 in favour for a beach lifestyle. As such, we often have our families visit us for weekends or weeks at a time, staying in our spare room. It really is one of the joys of living at a tourist destination.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
On purchasing a pregnancy test, an amusing series of events unfolded. My partner ducked out into the bathroom and urinated on the stick as per the directions. Having done so, all courage departed and she ran into the living room, buried herself under a pillow and hid from it. She demanding that I go and find out what it had to tell us.
So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said "sweetheart, we are going to have a baby".
This sparked a bevy of activity. She leaped off the couch and bounded into the bathroom to see for herself. When I arrived behind her, she was jumping up and down in excitement, then settled into a moment of stillness where we just stared at each other tenderly. It really was a rollercoaster, fear, excitement, love, joy, responsibility all rolled up into less than 10 minutes, what an introduction into pregnancy.
The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmering quietly "we are going to be parents", "you are going to be a mum", "you are going to be a dad" and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.
Pregnancy is full of such moments for a couple. Moments which bring you together and bind you with joint purpose. I'm really glad that we were introduced to pregnancy in this manner, as it gave me a perspective on how such experiences can really build a relationship and make for a happier home. Having experienced this first hand, I understood pretty quickly that it was pretty important to protect our relationship in a way that ensured these moments were experienced by us in our little circle of a new family. I quickly saw however that there were many egos who tried to take these moments away from us and claim them for themselves. I call these people the "well meaning women" as typically they are women who think they are helping, but clearly cross all boundaries of appropriate behaviour and rather, interfere in the decisions and moments which should be respected as family only.
One of my wife's friends even went so far as to interfere with the decision of who would be in our delivery room. She didn't discuss her thoughts with us. No, what she did was call my wife's sister and told her directly that we wanted her to be in the delivery room with us. I'm not sure if I am being naive in believing she had good intentions when doing this, (although, I have no idea what they may have been) however the point is to show you just how inappropriate some women get when "helping" with another families first pregnancy.
Another constant was the well meaning woman telling us that in her experience of giving birth, that medical advice we were receiving was incorrect. Yes sure, she had her children over 30 years ago, but nothing has changed and she knew better. Ridiculous. The really impressive part of these experiences though is that as the father to be, my opinions and participation in the discussion was not required. Apparently I was completely superfluous when it came to these decisions being made in my family.
Your first pregnancy - rollercoaster really is the word. You have such highs, moments of pure bliss, happiness, anticipation and intimacy. Moments which will mean more than anything else you've ever done in your life. For the first time you will create a life.
But they often are tempered by the "well meaning woman", who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the "well meaning woman". So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don't think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad's you know, it won't take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.
If you are facing such an issue at the moment, with a well meaning woman trying to marginalise you from being involved in the birth of your own child, there are two things in particular which you need to protect your family from.
Firstly we found that all the "great advice" we were getting, was making us second guess our doctors. The one person you really want to be confortable with and trust in a pregnancy is your doctor. So I found it was really important to us, that I made these people aware that I was not interested in their opinions of a medical nature. We basically made medical opinion regarding our family off limits to other people.
Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they'd do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers' instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else's opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people's opinions underminding the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.
As you approach the birth of your first you are likely to bump into the well meaning woman. If you do, this may be small comfort, but you are not the first and will not be the last. Remember to trust your instincts all the time, they will most likely be right. And if it gets beyond the joke, find another father to discuss the issue with. I'm sure you'll quickly find many who have faced similar challenges without needing to look too far, and get some quality advice on how to deal with it. - 20785
We live on Australia's Gold Coast. Moving here was a decision we made together, moving away from our families early 2007 in favour for a beach lifestyle. As such, we often have our families visit us for weekends or weeks at a time, staying in our spare room. It really is one of the joys of living at a tourist destination.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
On purchasing a pregnancy test, an amusing series of events unfolded. My partner ducked out into the bathroom and urinated on the stick as per the directions. Having done so, all courage departed and she ran into the living room, buried herself under a pillow and hid from it. She demanding that I go and find out what it had to tell us.
So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said "sweetheart, we are going to have a baby".
This sparked a bevy of activity. She leaped off the couch and bounded into the bathroom to see for herself. When I arrived behind her, she was jumping up and down in excitement, then settled into a moment of stillness where we just stared at each other tenderly. It really was a rollercoaster, fear, excitement, love, joy, responsibility all rolled up into less than 10 minutes, what an introduction into pregnancy.
The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmering quietly "we are going to be parents", "you are going to be a mum", "you are going to be a dad" and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.
Pregnancy is full of such moments for a couple. Moments which bring you together and bind you with joint purpose. I'm really glad that we were introduced to pregnancy in this manner, as it gave me a perspective on how such experiences can really build a relationship and make for a happier home. Having experienced this first hand, I understood pretty quickly that it was pretty important to protect our relationship in a way that ensured these moments were experienced by us in our little circle of a new family. I quickly saw however that there were many egos who tried to take these moments away from us and claim them for themselves. I call these people the "well meaning women" as typically they are women who think they are helping, but clearly cross all boundaries of appropriate behaviour and rather, interfere in the decisions and moments which should be respected as family only.
One of my wife's friends even went so far as to interfere with the decision of who would be in our delivery room. She didn't discuss her thoughts with us. No, what she did was call my wife's sister and told her directly that we wanted her to be in the delivery room with us. I'm not sure if I am being naive in believing she had good intentions when doing this, (although, I have no idea what they may have been) however the point is to show you just how inappropriate some women get when "helping" with another families first pregnancy.
Another constant was the well meaning woman telling us that in her experience of giving birth, that medical advice we were receiving was incorrect. Yes sure, she had her children over 30 years ago, but nothing has changed and she knew better. Ridiculous. The really impressive part of these experiences though is that as the father to be, my opinions and participation in the discussion was not required. Apparently I was completely superfluous when it came to these decisions being made in my family.
Your first pregnancy - rollercoaster really is the word. You have such highs, moments of pure bliss, happiness, anticipation and intimacy. Moments which will mean more than anything else you've ever done in your life. For the first time you will create a life.
But they often are tempered by the "well meaning woman", who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the "well meaning woman". So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don't think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad's you know, it won't take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.
If you are facing such an issue at the moment, with a well meaning woman trying to marginalise you from being involved in the birth of your own child, there are two things in particular which you need to protect your family from.
Firstly we found that all the "great advice" we were getting, was making us second guess our doctors. The one person you really want to be confortable with and trust in a pregnancy is your doctor. So I found it was really important to us, that I made these people aware that I was not interested in their opinions of a medical nature. We basically made medical opinion regarding our family off limits to other people.
Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they'd do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers' instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else's opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people's opinions underminding the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.
As you approach the birth of your first you are likely to bump into the well meaning woman. If you do, this may be small comfort, but you are not the first and will not be the last. Remember to trust your instincts all the time, they will most likely be right. And if it gets beyond the joke, find another father to discuss the issue with. I'm sure you'll quickly find many who have faced similar challenges without needing to look too far, and get some quality advice on how to deal with it. - 20785
About the Author:
Damian Papworth as a new dad, reflects on some of the challenges he had to deal with recently, as an expectant father for the first time.
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